by Eunnie Park
Sometimes, luck is all you need to find a spouse. Other times, it’s your mom with a microphone, carping to a room full of strangers that your state of utter singlehood is causing her insomnia.
“My son is so old,” Jungja Hong sighed at a recent Parents Club of the Unmarried Children meeting. “I’m hoping that this will be the year he meets a lady.”
Hong, of Clifton, N.J., is one of the new members of the Parents Club of the Unmarried Children, an organization of more than 500 Korean Americans determined to launch their children down the aisle. The group meets regularly in North Jersey or New York, where members discuss their single children and set them up with each other.
“When parents are over 50, their No. 1 concern is their children’s marriage,” said club founder David Choi.
At a typical Parents Club meeting, moms and dads register at the door and wear a red or blue tag (red for daughters, blue for sons) that identifies name and birth year of their children. Inside the banquet room, they eat, mingle and commiserate with other parents about their unmarried children. They also check out the lists taped to the wall — an inventory of all club members’ children by birth year, education and occupation.
After dinner, the formal program begins. One by one, parents go up to the microphone to talk about their children. During the bragging/pleading session, which is spoken in Korean, they share their children’s vital statistics and also their own frustrations.
“My daughter works in an office where there isn’t a single Asian,” said one father.
“I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, thinking about my single daughter,” one mother said as the crowd nodded sympathetically.
“My son is so old he’s an antique,” another mother said, as the crowd roared in laughter. “Please take this antique off my hands!”
Matchmaking in Korean communities is — as it is in many other cultures — an old practice that has waned in recent years. But as more young people postpone marriage to pursue careers and higher education, this throwback method of courtship may be regaining momentum.
Through an organization like Parents Club, moms and dads help to ensure that their children meet potential mates who have particular qualifications: educated, employed and Korean. At a recent meeting in the Flushing section of Queens, many parents said they were “ashamed” and “exasperated” that their children were still unmarried.
Most members’ children are in their 30s — an age when, by traditional Korean standards, they should have started a family.
“At first, I was so embarrassed,” said Soon Ja Lee, whose dentist daughter is 34. “Everyone else is married, and my daughter can’t do it. I joined this club, and it’s so great. It’s such a good place.”
Choi, of Harrington Park, started Parents Club last year when he wanted to find a suitor for his unmarried niece. She had spent many years pursuing higher education and a career in law and one day found herself thirty-something with no potential husbands in her ambit. Her mother became very concerned, Choi said.
Seeing this as a common problem for many Korean American parents, Choi started the club in November. The first meeting drew 12 parents, but since then, membership has expanded to hundreds from as far as Boston, Connecticut and Seoul. Most meetings take place at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Englewood, N.J.
“It’s not easy for young people to meet someone at school or work,” Choi said. “There are single Korean men and women out there, but they don’t have the opportunity to meet.”
Korean Americans are not alone in taking this approach to dating. Many Indian American families still rely on the classifieds to find mates for their children. India Abroad newspaper, for example, has a matrimonial section with listings of “Parents seeking compatible match,” or “inviting correspondence” for sons and daughters.
In Beijing, hundreds of parents sit in parks holding framed personal ads of their children. Interested parents approach each other and set up blind dates for their single, career-oriented children, who should already be married by traditional Chinese standards.
So far, the Parents Club has helped spawn a few successful relationships. The couples are not married yet, but they are headed in that direction, Choi said. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t found a boyfriend for his niece.
But the group is evolving to make it more accessible to more people. The group also recently started organizing events for the unmarried children themselves. Last month, a dinner in Manhattan drew about 30 singles. Two other events are planned this month. Choi said he’s also considering opening the club to other ethnicities.
Although many parents said they hoped that these meetings would eventually lead to a trip down the aisle, others said they were not entirely convinced.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” said Tohgoo Paik from Westchester, N.Y. “Kids don’t want to meet people this way.”
A mother from Connecticut, who requested not to be named, agreed.
“You think kids would like it if mom came up to them and said, ‘Hey I found so-and-so for you?’“ she said.
Several parents also confessed that their children did not know about the club and the fact that they are members. But several singles, who came along with their parents to a recent meeting, said they were trying to keep an open mind.
“Before, I didn’t want to be a part of it because I prejudged and thought, ‘Do we have to take it this far?’” said Jeong Hoon Kim, 30, an airport customs broker from Flushing. “But today, I thought I’d give it a chance.”
“It’s awkward to be here and it’s awkward to even hear other parents selling their kids,” said a lawyer from Brooklyn, who wanted to remain anonymous. “It’s awkward, but at the same time, I understand why these events exist.”
(c) 2007 The Record (Bergen Co., NJ)/ Eunnie Park
