An open letter to our nation’s legal newcomers
By Oliver Saria
Illustration by Noah Dempewolf
Dear humble Immigrant,
It’s been a rough couple of months for you. First, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signs a state bill in April that makes the failure to carry immigration documents a crime and allows police to question and detain suspected illegal immigrants. Pegged as the toughest bill on illegal immigration in generations, it requires law enforcement to racially profile—ahem—determine whether a person is undocumented. A month later, Brewer signs another law banning particular ethnic studies courses in elementary and high school curricula. Now, a slew of other states have pushed for similar nativist legislation, including English-only ordinances and restrictions on who can apply for drivers licenses. With anti-immigrant sentiment boiling over, it’s no surprise if you, humble Immigrant, feel embattled, confused and frightened. Well, you’re in luck because I’m here to offer you tips on how to navigate through the myriad laws and come to the realization that America still loves you!
First, let’s take a look at the bill that vaulted immigration back into the forefront of American political debate: Arizona Senate Bill SB 1070. If you actually read the bill you’d realize that it’s not so scary after all. (Don’t speak English? I’m sure Arizona’s state legislature had the common sense to at least make it available in Spanish—the language spoken by the vast majority of the people who will be affected by the new law. OK, just checked the Arizona state legislature’s website and sent them an email. The bill is not available in Spanish or any other language for that matter. Anyhoo, all the more reason to learn English already). So…
Tip #1: Speak English.
Look at it this way: The English-only ordinances that are cropping up in various burbs and hamlets across this great nation are saving you money. You get to experience a full-immersion English-only environment for free! Rather than spending thousands of dollars to experience this in say, Scotland or Australia, the good ‘ol U.S. of A. is offering it up at no cost.
And here, your English won’t come with a funny accent.
Oh, and speaking of accents, Arizona is ensuring that your children get the best, most-qualified instructors to teach them perfect-sounding English. Recently, the Arizona Department of Education—taking a cue from from their conservative governor—began barring teachers with heavy accents from teaching certain classes. Because there’s nothing conservatives hate more than unproper-sounding English. Don’t misunderestimate their hatred of it. It positively makes them go nuke-yoo-ler.
Georgia was also trying to get into the act. Earlier this year, state Sen. Jack Murphy sponsored a bill requiring that the state’s written drivers license test be administered only in English. Murphy asserted that the proposal was not discriminatory, but rather would enhance public safety by restricting those who cannot read street signs from driving. For the third time, however, the bill was defeated. Sorry, Georgia, you’re no Arizona!
But law or no law, shouldn’t you learn English anyway?
And once you’ve learned our great language, and can finally take a good look at SB 1070, you’ll realize that there’s no way racial profiling will ever occur because the law states as plainly as can be that “a law enforcement official or agency … may not solely consider race, color or national origin” in implementing the law. See? Problem solved. (Never mind that the law also gives legal citizens of Arizona—from the kind-hearted, sympathetic Minutemen to the level-headed, completely rational Tea Party Patriots—the ability to sue any law enforcement official or government agency that isn’t as gung-ho as Lou Dobbs when it comes to giving illegals the boot.) The key to proper enforcement lies in the word “solely.” You won’t be stopped solely because you’re a person of color. You’ll be stopped because you’re a person of color engaged in suspicious activity. What constitutes “reasonable suspicion?” As conservative columnist George F. Will argued in his column, cops know it when they see it: “good officers—the vast majority—routinely make nuanced judgments about when there is probable cause for acting on reasonable suspicions of illegality.”
But for ordinary civilians not so well-versed in the subtle nuances of illegal immigration, here’s an easy cheat sheet to help you determine if you might appear suspicious. Remember, it’s never solely based on race.
You’re Mexican AND …
• you’re standing within a two-block radius of Home Depot.
• you’re crammed into a sedan with at least five other Mexicans.
• you’re poor.
Similarly, if you’re Chinese, the cheat sheet might read:
You’re Chinese AND …
• you’re sitting in front of a sewing machine.
• you’re crammed into a sedan with at least five other Chinese.
• you’re poor.
The above cheat sheet leads me to my next tip:
Tip #2: Stop being poor.
Hey, Immigrant, there’s one easy way to avoid being harassed by law enforcement: stop being so darn poor. Let’s face it, a lot of the suspicious signs that cops will be looking for are side-effects of poverty. It’s that simple. Don’t get me wrong: America still wants “your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Just try not to look soooo tired, poor and huddled.
When you really study the laws, you’ll notice that they are designed to separate the wheat from the chaff. You, naturalized legal alien, are the wheat that nourishes the nation. And you, illegal alien, are the undesirable, disgusting chaff (that also probably carries some type of disease). And Americans are sick of you. Now if only they could tell the two of you apart…
Well, Missouri’s proposed expansion of Arizona’s law might make it easier to do just that. Which leads me to my next tip:
Tip #3: Start snitching.
Arizona’s law also contains human trafficking clauses that make it a felony to conceal, harbor or transport illegal aliens. Missouri’s proposed bill similarly states: “It shall be unlawful for any person to conceal, harbor or shelter from detection any illegal alien in any place within the state of Missouri including any building or means of transportation.” So, humble Immigrant, if you don’t want to be accused of human trafficking when a relative from “out of town” asks to crash on your couch for a few days, make sure to verify his/her immigration status, especially if that relative is engaged in suspicious activity like: a) being related to you and b) being unaware of Travelocity.com.
Furthermore, “It shall be unlawful for any illegal alien to transport himself or herself within the state of Missouri.” Brilliant! Missouri has solved the problem of racial profiling. Law enforcement officers just need to round up the brown folks standing perfectly still since walking across the street apparently constitutes a crime.
Hopefully, by now, these tips have eased your worries. But in case they haven’t, this next tip will surely do the trick.
Tip #4: Lighten up.
Arizona banned ethnic studies on the grounds that the courses “promote resentment.” So all that anger you might be feeling right now? Don’t blame scapegoating lawmakers and xenophobic jingoists; blame ethnic studies! Besides, who wants to drudge up the past anyway? Lynchings, race riots, Manifest Destiny, anti-miscegenation laws, Japanese internment, Operation Wetback, labor strife. Believe me, racism is a total bummer. Dear humble Immigrant, as you try to assimilate to the American way of life, remember that there’s only one thing “real” Americans distrust more than illegal immigrants: historical facts.
So in conclusion, humble Immigrant, I hope you’ve come to appreciate that these laws aren’t anti-immigrant; they’re pro-American! And these laws are in your best interest as well because you are part of the fabric of America. Americans just don’t want that fabric woven into a poncho. And the faster you get with the program the happier we’ll all be. Capiche? …er, comprende? …er, got that?
Rest assured, all of this heated rhetoric will die down, once we’ve rooted out those menacing illegals. Just try not to get upset when you’re mistaken for one every once in a while (or perhaps on a routine basis). But in case you do, here’s one last tip: wherever you go, KEEP YOUR PAPERS IN YOUR WALLET!
Oh, shoot. Come to think of it, did I leave my wallet at home?
