CUE POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE
by Randall Park
YES, IT’S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR when the best and brightest of our nation’s finest institutions graduate. In other words, it is that time of year when Asians graduate. I’d like to express a few thoughts before you embark on your journey into the adult world. No, not porn. I’m talking about life after college. I present to you my 2011 Harvard graduating class commencement speech. (I chose Harvard because, according to my parents, it’s the best.)
Family, friends, graduates…
First off, I would like to thank the faculty of Harvard University for inviting me to deliver this year’s commencement speech. I am quite frankly shocked that you chose me based on my work as “Carlton” in the independent feature The People I Slept With , but that is neither here nor there. The fact is, this is an extraordinary honor.
As I look out into this sea of crimson, I notice the Asian faces. You should be proud of yourselves because not only will you carry this honor for the rest of your lives, but you have also given your parents something to brag about for the rest of theirs. Trust me, there is no greater gift to give an Asian parent than a lifetime supply of ammunition to fire back at their bragging friends—“Your daughter just graduated from UC Riverside, did she? BOOM! HARVARD, BITCH!!”
Now, all you have left is law school, med school, becoming a professional, getting a Lexus, marrying another Asian (or maybe a Jewish man), getting a house, having kids and raising them to do the exact same thing that you did, dying, and then joining your parents in heaven, where you will find that they are still bragging about their little Harvard graduate—“BOOM, Sonny Bono! In your face, Abraham Lincoln!!” You get the picture.
Then, there’s the rest of you. You know, the four of you—the Asian graduates who are going into the arts. There’s the actor, the ballet dancer, the TV writer and the professional human beat box. To you four, I bestow my utmost respect and well wishes, for you are entering a world with very little support. Especially you, human beat box. Because even though them beats is tight, the job market is bleak, and the so-called bamboo ceiling rises barely above the floor.
But you do it because you love it, and to me, that is what life is all about. And though at the moment your parents may hate you for it, I appreciate you. In fact, I need you. Especially you, TV writer. I need the work! But I also need you to help show this nation, the world and Wesley Yang that we are more than the hardworking, overachieving automatons that we’ve been made out to be. We are talented, multi-dimensional, sometimes dysfunctional human beings with a story to tell. To me, that is worth bragging about—“You got your PhD from Stanford, did you? BOOM! I played ‘Carlton, the Nice But Boring Guy,’ in the independent feature The People I Slept With , rated over 150,000 times and counting on Netflix, BITCH!” You get the picture.
To enjoy more of Randall’s work, visit www.randallparkplace.com.
This article appeared in the June 2011 issue of KoreAm.
