by PETER HONG
If you are lucky enough to be the parents of teenagers going to academically competitive schools, you’re also likely to be in an environment full of collective anxiety. Parents are terrified that their kids may veer off the track to a prestigious college and career. High school administrators worry that their standing will drop if their test scores and college placements aren’t ever improving. The students themselves feel they need to live up to lofty expectations set either by their peers or themselves.
While there are many, varied circumstances among the diverse Asian American population, there are also many Asian Americans and Korean Americans embedded in the academic hothouses of affluent America. I often hear from friends or read testimonials about the expectations and aspirations of Korean parents, usually repeating the “Tiger Mom” narrative of pushy parents driving their children to neurosis.
OK, I get it. My parents were like that. Plenty of Korean families I know want nothing more than Ivy League admissions for their kids, and will be disappointed by anything less. The storyline of these tales always seems to be a kid’s struggle to break away from the warped values pushed by her parents.
But as my own child has moved through school, the whole Alpha Asian trope seems more and more misdirected. Why? First of all, I’ve now seen some parents lie, cheat and steal to give their kids a leg up in the academic rat race—most ARE NOT ASIAN. Second, while my own parents were “Tigers,” so many other Korean families I know, both in the United States and in Korea, are just exemplary in their good sense, social activism and supportive parenting. If you’ve been reading KoreAm, you’ve seen many of them profiled.
At the end of eighth grade, my daughter’s school assigned parents to write letters to their children as they prepared to move on to high school. To compose my letter, I thought of friends and relatives I admired, and what they either told me about their parents or what I saw when I had spent time with them over the years. Along with my life experiences, I drew on things I heard from these Korean Americans and others to come up with my list of important themes for my child.
After I completed my letter, I thought a lot of people would say it “wasn’t typically Korean.” Nonsense. It’s as Korean American as you make it.
The author, Peter Hong (left) with his wife Shiru and their daughter Elly, at the latter’s eighth-grade graduation. Photo courtesy of Peter Hong.
Dear Elly:
This is quite a long letter, but there is so much to think about as you move on to high school. You are now just a few days away from leaving the school you have attended since kindergarten. It’s hard to imagine now that school was once a daunting and unfamiliar place for you, as it was the first day we dropped you off.
Over the years you grew to love your school as your friends and teachers helped make you who you are today. You are so smart, strong and confident now, and ready in so many ways to stand on your own.
IT’S NO LONGER ALL ABOUT YOU
The first nine years of your schooling were meant to get you to this point of independence. You were protected as a small child to give you space to grow without fear. This part of your education has been about teaching you about yourself and what you are able to do, to give you the tools to stand on your own. You now have ability.
In high school, you won’t quite be a grown-up, but you will be fully in the process of becoming an adult. Your education from now on is about preparing you to serve society. This next phase is about responsibility.
You have been fortunate to have been free to grow in a peaceful and rich environment, and to have many great opportunities ahead in high school. Being a grown-up means understanding the responsibility you have to ensure those opportunities are not wasted, for they are a precious resource given to relatively few people in the world. In high school, you will continue to develop yourself, but with a stronger purpose to use your abilities to improve the world around you.
With that in mind, your first responsibility remains to yourself. You now have the freedom and power to make good decisions and bad ones. It is very easy to make the wrong decisions about how you treat your body, mind and spirit. You can damage yourself most by doubting yourself—by going along with bad suggestions from others when you know or feel they aren’t right. If you consume things that degrade your body, mind or spirit—either toxic substances or toxic ideas—you will become a burden to others.
So to start, keep yourself happy. Do what’s right for you. It’s a simple gift you can give every day to those around you, since you won’t be troubling them.
At the same time, appreciate every day, even the ones that seem bad. Around the world, boys your age fight in wars. Girls your age are subjected to arranged marriages. In Los Angeles, thousands of your peers go to lousy schools and face danger just outside their homes. Keep them in your mind from time to time; not to feel guilty, but to remember that the head start you have puts you in a position to someday create opportunities for others.
Meanwhile, don’t feel sorry for kids who are less fortunate, either. Some of them will draw strength from their hardships that will help them to excel. In some ways, they have an advantage you don’t. They may be motivated to spare others the misery they experienced, just as you hopefully will be motivated to give others the same chances you had. Look forward to working with them or even for them some day. Pity no one. Respect everyone.
YOU ARE NOW FREE TO FAIL
In high school, you are no longer told what to do to the same degree as you have been thus far. You are given more chances to quit. You can quit studying a language. You can quit a sport. You can even quit school altogether if you really want to do so. It’s both a trick and a test.
You are seemingly free to fail; but you’re not really free. That choice is a way to teach you about consequences. If you choose to quit, you get immediate relief from the thing you found unpleasant. The trick is you end up suffering later because you never develop the skill you would have. You are being tested to see if you will stick with things you aren’t good at or don’t enjoy. If you do stick with them, you will likely become better at them, and you’ll probably then enjoy them; at least you will know you did all you possibly could do and will never wonder, “what if….” A big part of life is doing things you don’t want to do at first, so you will gain the ability to do the things you really want to do later.
People may look down on you or even laugh at you when you aren’t doing well at something. This is a test to see if you can persist. If you master something you once struggled with, those same people may also respect you. This isn’t to say you should be overly concerned about what others think. But you should also be aware that others watch you, and by doing your best you may inspire them to do their best.
TEENAGERS: ORNERY AS WILD DOGS, COMPLIANT AS SHEEP
On the subject of your peers, I will tell you something grown-ups know but won’t say publicly: teenagers are like a hybrid of wild dogs and sheep. Like wild dogs, they will defer to you if you exude inner strength. They can tell almost instinctively if you believe in yourself and will leave you alone. At the same time, because they are insecure about their own survival and place in the pecking order, they will prey on anyone in whom they sense nervousness or weakness. So don’t look the wild dogs in the eye; look beyond them to where you want to go, and be who you want to be.
Like sheep, teenagers today will let themselves be herded. They will make lots of noise, but they won’t really challenge the shepherd. There’s no need to try to be different just for the sake of being different. But beware of following the herd to slaughter.
COLLEGE OBSESSION: MIGHT AS WELL RANK DOG BREEDS
There is often collective wisdom in crowds, but collective stupidity is also prevalent. College rankings are a perfectexample. You’ll be hearing a lot about these as early as next year. They will become a huge part of a high school like yours. Even as your counselors tell you the rankings aren’t meaningful, your classmates and their parents will obsess about them.
You have already learned in middle school science about good data and bad data; and you will learn more about this in high school. Science is supposed to teach you how to spot fraud and ignorance. Yet our great universities, institutions filled with top scientists, remain complicit in the fraud of college rankings.
You can measure height, weight, temperature, speed. How do you measure one school against another? It’s as absurd as ranking dog breeds. What’s No. 1? Golden Retriever? What’s No. 6? Chihuahua? Some dogs hunt. Some dogs swim. Some are pretty to look at, but don’t do much. How do you lump them all in one pool and rank them?
You can measure what a school does. You can measure what a dog does.
Students at your high school are generally very smart. Yet they will give a lot of weight to college rankings without really thinking about whether the rankings make sense. They won’t apply their knowledge of science to the way they govern their lives. The grown-ups in their lives, who should know better, go along with the scam.
If you let the pursuit of college admission shape your activities, your high school course selections or how you spend your summers, you’ll be following the herd down a path to nowhere.
DREAM BIG
It is important to have goals and to pursue them passionately. But set your own goals using reason and careful thought. Don’t be afraid to set goals higher—much higher—than getting into the No. 1 ranked or No. 4 ranked college. Those are pathetic goals.
Think about what it takes to write a book that will be read long after you are gone, or to teach students to successfully move to the next level in their lives, or to raise your children to be decent people, or whatever you decide would be a worthy goal for you—even making lots of money if that’s what you really want. Then go for it. Don’t forget how much work it takes to be a good friend, or to find value in those who are ignored. Those are true ambitions and goals that are much harder to achieve than prizes, awards and acceptance letters.
YOU CAN’T BUY WORLDLINESS
Create your own special experiences. They are far better than the ones you buy. Packaged experiences are like packaged food. They are accessible and may even be tasty, but they’ll never be as memorable as what you’ve made yourself. Cook your own recipes, but also take every precaution not to burn or cut yourself. Being safe allows you to be more adventuresome, so always think through your journeys before you start, and be prepared for the worst.
Get to know your neighborhood, your suburb, your city, the region, the state and the United States, in that order. In high school you will be able to buy trips to impoverished nations to see people who speak a language different from yours and perhaps work on a project to help them improve their lives. You can also take a bus down Figueroa Street and do the same thing. Both experiences are meaningful, but start with learning about the people near you.
A lot of kids with your background travel far to encounter other cultures, but they know little about their fellow Americans who don’t look like them or live like them. All around you are people from all over the world with fascinating stories to share. You can gather them up for free. If you get a job, you’ll even get paid as you learn from everyone around you.
When you do travel to other parts of the world, those experiences will make you better able to understand the people you meet as complex human beings, not as one-dimensional characters or props in a personal fantasy.
CHARGE YOUR BATTERIES, PAY YOUR BILLS
Be patient. Your high school years are a special time, but you will have years and decades to really find what you want, who you want to be with, where you want to live, and so much more.
Trying to figure all this out will be tough at times. Along the way, please remember that anything you do with commitment will always be good to mom and dad. No matter what you do, we will always love who you are. You will always please us by being true to yourself. Never be afraid to ask us for help, no matter what trouble you may be in.
So make sure you are able to call us when you need to. Keep your batteries charged and your bills paid, literally and figuratively.
Love,
Dad
___
This article was published in the February 2014 issue of KoreAm. Subscribe today! To purchase a single issue copy of the February issue, click the “Buy Now” button below. (U.S. customers only. Expect delivery in 5-7 business days).
